You were smoke
I needed oxygen
Getting High off your love
Left me with brain damage
It wasn’t worth the pain
It wasn’t worth the shame
I wish I would’ve never started
Or quit after the first taste
Addicting as it was
It never was enough
It left me empty
Never full of love
Quitting
Why was I such a fool
Took me years
To see the truth
Your love was a drug
And I paid too much
When I met you
My world disappeared
I swam in your ocean
Full of my tears
Trying to stay afloat
In the currents of the sea
Learning its patterns
Learning how to breathe
I forgot I once was alone
I forgot I could walk
I’d been swimming so long
The water tasted salty
It burned my skin
For I had many cuts
From letting you back in
My eyes stung too
I was blind for you
I wasn’t aware your ocean
Would drown me in despair
I kept swimming
I kept hoping to tame the sea
But that can’t happen
The sea can only drown me
I looked for somewhere safe
But instead you sent a huge wave
Tumbling in the sand
I got up and felt the land
Unfamiliar it seemed
Made me miss your salty sea
But not too long after
I felt the breeze
It dried the water
Made me feel free
And I remembered
I was still me
Your ocean was a gift
A moment in time
I would never forget
But I couldn’t spend eternity
Getting lost in the waves
In your sea of instability
Apple loon Apple loon
You really are just a loon
Driving me crazy
With all your push and pull
Making me hate myself
Making me look like a fool
Apple loon Apple loon
Why do me this way?
Making me beg for you
day after day
I want to be happy
I want to be carefree
But you are always hurting me
Apple loon Apple loon
You really are just a loon
And I think you’ve made me one too
Playing all these silly games
I guess you just hate me
Maybe things aren’t the same
But don’t blame me
Apple loon, you’re the one who’s changed.
I used to have love
I used to have youth
I used to have happiness
I used to have you
I have grief
I have shame
I have age
I have hate
I will forgive
I will thrive
I will move on
I will not die
Because with age comes wisdom
And with wisdom comes age
I’ll make better choices next time
I’ve already played this tricky game
Muttering under your breath
Making my emptiness fill with grief
It’s like looking at a statue
Of the person I used to love
Only coldness remains
Touching you rarely happens
And if it does it’s not the same
I wish I could warm you back to life
Melt the wax and make you light
But it seems my neediness and love
Only pushes you further away
Alone
You really wanna be alone?
You really want to leave our family
And everything you’ve ever known?
Why?
I don’t understand
I truly can’t understand
No one harmed you like you pretend
Why do you want this to end?
The devil
That’s all I can blame
Because there no reason
You don’t want to stay.
You’re the one
I could never give up
You’re the one
I always chose
Over everyone
Including me
Self-abandoning
When I lose you
It’s always tough
Makes me crack open
Like a hard hollow nut
My identity my soul
All empty all alone
I learned my lesson
Your love is not true
It changes like the seasons
It’s red then it’s blue
I wish I could hold you
Forever be still
But you melt like a popsicle
Leaving only the stick
I think I’ll love you forever
I think I’ll love you always
But you can’t be trusted
You’re a thorn with no petals
And I’m tired of bleeding
Trying to hold onto you
You made some to me
I made some to you
I meant my vows
You didn’t, did you
I thought choosing you was noble
I thought our love was true
Turns out it was only me loving you
I don’t want this end
I wanted us to last
But your selfishness
Has grown too crass
Promises
You made some to me
I made some to you
The only difference
You didn’t keep them, did you
Never choose a runner
if you want them to stay
Or you’ll be begging on your knees
For the rest of your days
Dismissive Avoidants
That’s the name of their game
Always leave never stay
Keeping you on your feet
Waiting for your chase
Partnership
It takes two
Why am I alone
holding onto you
Maybe I should let go
Maybe you should leave
But I always find myself
Holding tighter to the leash
But you’re not an animal
And I’m not your keeper
So I think I will release you
Go be wild and free
But don’t think it’s easy
To see you be
Fine without me
Partnership
It takes two
But I’m alone
Without you
I remember the hurtful things
You have said to me
They stick in my brain
Like chewed gum under a table
Not seen on the surface
But felt underneath
Disgustingly left by someone
Expectant of another to clean.
It’s someone else’s problem
So they don’t care
Like words you spit out
Which are too nasty
Left lingering in my ears.
Poem drafts 